how to make friends in your 40s and not end like a lonely socially isolatd communist
play the videogame that becomes the next new huge thing and meet other middle aged people in social spaces that spring up around the game. think pubg or amogus
i refuse to be a gamer
the median gamer is a middle-aged woman playing candy crush on her phone but ok
A median implies that there’s an ordered quality of gamers being compared here. I wonder what that would be.
My personal tips from experience.
- Transition to become a woman
- Attend local trans support group
- Make friends with some trans people and form a discord group, who catch up semi-regularly
- Be invited into the ladies work group chat and hang out with them after work
- Go to lesbian social events
- Make friends with women in other community group I’m involved in.
Warning might not work for everyone
Remember folks, social skills are not inherent. They are learned, practiced, and honed. The more you use them the better you tend to get.
For the neurodivergent in here who struggle with being sociable. One simple hack: ask a person about themselves and then listen to their reply. Follow-up questions are good. Its true what people say: the sweetest sound to the ear is your own voice. Abuse this trick when possible.
but it’s also rude to be bad at social interaction so you’re imposing on people to get any practice in if you ever fall behind your peer group as a child.
this is true of any group-based skill. same if you are bad at softball and you join a local softball club. but if you tell people “hey im kinda not great at this but im excited to be here” there is a lot of grace others will give you. it works for social situations too. “hey, i kinda have social anxiety but bear with me im trying to get out more” doesn’t come off in the way you might think it does. at least, it doesnt come off bad to the kind of people you should be around. The kind of people who have empathy and are decent
it works for social situations too. “hey, i kinda have social anxiety but bear with me im trying to get out more” doesn’t come off in the way you might think it does. at least, it doesnt come off bad to the kind of people you should be around. The kind of people who have empathy and are decent
the studies i’ve seen headlines and one paragraph blurbs of suggest that saying you’re bad at things primes people to be put off, rather than soliciting grace. puts them on guard to notice any faux pas that they might’ve ignored or let slide if the interaction was otherwise going well.
if thats true then game theory and tell people you are great at social interactions and if they feel awkward its them that are bad
you just hacked social interaction
nice fantasy but i don’t think that follows
protip: in social situations, whatever you are doing right now, dont
hope that helps
forum discussions aren’t irl. i know how to codeswitch.
Speaking as a recovering Agoraphob, go to your local coffee shop or college campus, some place that will post local things going on. Go to those things and find some people and activities that fit your vibe.
It sucks ass, its scary and very difficult at times. But if you keep going and trying you’ll find your people eventually.
Go hang out at places where people have similar interests.
I myself go to local TTRPG meet ups.
The challenge with interest based friends is that the venue and space are the main thing tying you together. The hardest part of friendship in your 20s is how often people move to go build a life somewhere.
Staying put with people who what to stay in a place makes long term friends easier. Unless you really like being/having pen pals.
True. However my main friend group in my twenties whom I hung with for nearly a decade, we were just a group of nerds into MyG and DnD
How’d your 30s go?
Only half way through! Doing pretty good!
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Come over and watch me play World Of Horror. No, I will not converse with you while I play.
Besides this being unnecessarily mean, I think it’s also a very unhelpful generalization because even for people with weirdo autistic interests and internet brainrot (I myself am one such person), there are going to be many who are isolated, but still a meaningful number who are more social about it, even if only because they had the same thought OP had.
This is a really mean thing to say about a stranger.
hobby groups, volunteering orgs, studies
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get lucky
most of the time people aren’t isolated just because they don’t have friends. all the suggestions people have made are cool and all, but you’re probably not gonna do them. the question you need to ask yourself is why? why do you not do them? it’s hard to think about this stuff clearly and objectively, that’s why most people get help from therapists. but no matter if you get outside help or not, it requires serious effort on your part to just think about it, identify your problems and work towards solving them.
most solutions presented here are valid, but they fall into the “i must give specific and actionable advice” trap. to a lonely person (such as myself) they all sound like “throw yourself into unknown, unpredictable and awkward situations”, and then “go with the flow” or “practice your social skills it’s not inherit you know”, whatever the fuck those mean. just be kind but critical towards yourself and if it doesn’t work out, forgive yourself and try again.
that’s why most people get help from therapists.
i do not believe you that 50.1% of therapists are helpful
therapy is what you make of it. i do not have any positive experience with therapy and i cannot afford more than my insurance allows, but at the end of the day there’s someone at the other side of the table that is trying to help you. i understand the outsized reaction against therapy though, it’s an intimate setting, even more so than going to a doctor for your physical health, and if it fails or the other person is bad or malicious, it’s natural to feel hostile and be adverse to it. but it genuinely helps people because people say it does, and i have no other argument to convince you otherwise.
specific and actionable advice is better, that’s why people try to give one, and why i called it a trap not something else. you cannot give people you know nothing about specific advice. it might help them but it will probably not. it’s entirely random, and as someone who has bad a similar experience i can only say that this kind of advice did not help me, and it only made me feel like shit. OP’s experience might differ and that’s completely fine.
it’s not a reaction it’s double digits with no positive outcome. therapy is one tool and it’s applied inappropriately to systemic problems because of hyperindividualism
Volunteering if you go regularly and pokemon go meetups if you’re autistic and want something free to do (download the campfire app)
a lot of people are saying volunteering so i would like to ask is making friends at work a good idea?
work friends usually aren’t real friends
“Work friends” yeah if you’re only friends at work, but I’ve made long term friends that I first met at work and kept being close with after leaving the place.
It can be, it entirely depends on what your coworkers are like
I think a better goal is to be friendly or “work friends” as in you know some details about them, might exchange gifts (birthdays, holidays), and they make the day easier but you might not see each other outside of work.
If you have a work friendship end badly it does make things more awkward and depending on your work environment and the person, it can make your job suck ass
Not a lot of places where it’s a bad idea to make friends. At the least, coworkers are great for practicing social skills with
Are you in the US? In or around a city?
Depends on where you live (city, rural town, suburbs, etc). But I have found the best thing to do is establish some sort of routine that you stick to. Spend an hour every Sunday afternoon at the local coffee shop, take a morning walk every other day, stop by a local bar for a couple drinks every Friday evening. Go to the local farmer’s market every Saturday. Eventually you start seeing the same people over again and they will be open to talking to you since they recognize you now. Don’t force anything, but you would be surprised how easy it is to turn someone into a casual acquaintance
Polyamory
That’s the neat part, you don’t! I took up hiking and fitness to lose weight and now that’s all I do (along with another hobby I do but I will not mention it here)
Join a local rec sports league! Around me, there are online leagues that let you sign up as an individual and they’ll put you on a team.
It doesn’t need to be a team sport like soccer or basketball, the league by me has bowling and pickleball and cornhole. I think it also has beer pong tournaments sometimes? Kickball is another one that’s pretty casual and doesn’t require constant running - I think the culture is often “hang out and sometimes kick a ball”
