theres no way im going to start earning my own money bc abusive mom not letting me get a job and insists on me going to college. before you say im lucky to be supported through college just know that she basically admitted that this is her way of delaying my independence because she said i can get a job at mcdonalds afterwards and she doesnt really care about my actual career prospects. her way of abuse is sleep deprivation and verbal abuse and parentification so im convinced this will just be another 4 years of barely getting by because i have to study on 5 hours of sleep and also take care of my siblings for some reason. ive barely graduated high school because i had to deal with this.
my former therapist also agreed that my home environment impedes my studying. my former (child) therapist which dropped me btw bc my mom would bring me to sessions 30 minutes late and not let me take public transport there.
right now im just gonna focus on making the most of it and being independent atleast in this process. she insists on coming with me to enroll (she has a habit of loudly berating me in public btw) but im not gonna do that and i will go enroll on my own. it seems freedom is never gonna come.
and the worst thing of all is she expects me to be visibly happy through all this and just 20 minutes ago in the conversation about how shes not gonna let me work she kept asking why im not happy and to be more enthusiastic.
Hear me out, go to college and get a dorm room. Having a physical space of your own where you can sleep and exist independent of your mother will be huge.
My abusive parents tried to force me to commute and it was just so unreasonable that even they folded on that almost instantly.
unfortunately i have pets which i cannot abandon
Some dorm buildings will actually allow pets though if it’s several pets, that might not be viable.
Is it possible to ask your therapist to dig into this a bit more? Look I ain’t going to psycho analyze you as an internet stranger. I understand the abuse, but we are talking about a fully paid, dormed/housed accredited bachelors degree education in a major that (if carefully chosen) will open incredible possibilities to you, let alone the opportunities of the program.
You won’t get a second chance at that.
ok u take my shoes and do it and take the beatings too
Depending on the college or major that might be a graduation requirement. That’s the case at least where I’m at. :inshallah: that’s the case here too
In my comment on your last post I neglected to talk about college, since there are a lot of factors in play there, and it wasn’t clear whether my USA-specific experience would apply.
Typically for people in uncertain situations at 18-19 I recommend taking a few classes at community college. Tuition and fees for these for two semesters cost maybe a month or two of minimum wage earnings (as opposed to universities which cost half a year’s worth), you’re not penalized for taking less than fulltime, your classmates are more working-class, and you can transfer to a university easily for the second half of a bachelor’s degree. But if you’re under the shadow of your mother, this changes things.
The university as a stand-in for parents is a very real thing; a lot of the subtext of their marketing to parents is “we will keep your kid as a kid, but you won’t have to worry about them”.
Use this “support” to your advantage. Make sure to choose a college that is not within commuting distance. This will rule out the possibility of forcing you to commute, but also mean that she won’t be able to visit you during the week. Neighboring state colleges usually give you in-state tuition. Peek around and find something you like, but preferably look for a campus that’s not in an exurb or <10k pop rural town, so that there are more opportunities for you to catch. Justify it to your mom with a combination of programs offered, tuition, and intangibles like what gives you good vibes about a college.
[Side note: It is July now. Don’t most 4-year colleges and universities have an application deadline in the spring? This something with a long process leading up ti it.]
If the college is already chosen and wothin commuting distance, continue to see what all you can do there. Academic-adjacent stuff, clubs, any kinds of events they have at the student center or library. Also, look into transferring somewhere that gives you breathing room, often times it is easier to transfer in once you have a semester or two under your belt already. Jumping from branch to branch is scary but getting out of an abusive situation is usually a good enough drive to leap.
College is a good opportunity, but I know from personal experience that having unsupportive parents can make it really difficult. I wouldn’t even characterize them as abusive but my parents definitely didn’t help me succeed in college. But like others said, you can get try getting a dorm room and just minimize seeing her. There might be job opportunities on campus either for student work or private companies i.e. at the dining hall. There’s tons of kids who get jobs with the private catering company i work for that runs the college’s dining hall.
Just try to see the positive potential where you can, you might have a better time with college than you think and might be better positioned to deal with her shit
have you thought about enrolling for a really low stakes degree (i.e. communication or business) and just getting a job on the side (like through the university)?
Alternatively, when you sign up for Federal Student Aid (assuming you’re US based) and if you wind up getting any - you could always just put a portion of that towards housing (a dorm/apartment/monthly rent payment). Keep in mind that federal student aid does get applied towards your actual tuition through your university first, but the leftover amount each year is yours to use; so definitely do so if your mom’s making you enroll and you want to get out of there. Another commenter mentioned doing the dorms - I agree with them. Your parents cannot prevent you from moving into a dorm if you’re 18.
I understand your pain; my parents are of a similar nature. They loved deciding things for me when I was getting ready to graduate high school and eventually I just hit a point like two months into my first semester of college where I realized “wait, I don’t HAVE to do what they say or let them have the final word, I’m a fucking adult now”.
honestly this is such a peculiar situation because my mom straight up admitted she doesnt even care about my actual career prospects and said i can get a shit job after graduation as long as my college is done. this is the point in our relationship where i just dont love her anymore and dont care about what happens to her
do you care about college? if you enroll in the cheapest option available (community college) just try and enroll part time if you can, or if you can’t just enroll full time and get a job and go to the job instead. you need just enough money to pay to move into some craigslist room mate situation at which point you have successfully escaped your current situation and can just drop out of school and work, save up money and figure out what you want to do with your life. if you do it quickly enough into the semester and explain this to the school you can probably even avoid it negatively impacting any future college enrollment at that particular school.
even more ideal would be any safe couch surfing arrangement with a family member or friend and just immediately do this without enrolling in school. get literally any accessible job and get on food stamps and save money for a few months and you’ll be able to figure out the rest from there
Good luck, when deciding on your college major, look for the current career prospects in your area so you can get a job as soon as possible after graduation. A perfect major would be one that seems relatively easy with your skillset with plenty job opportunities. In this economy that’s probably not possible but the closest thing will suffice.
If you can get out before graduation that’s good, if not, you want to have a clear path to freedom you can look forward to.
You can also pretend that your courses are way harder than they actually are, so you can secretly do a small job on the side and start saving money for when you’re able to move out. Don’t be too strict on yourself though, you’re dealing with enough stress already so a job is only for if you feel you can handle it.
I agree with using the school and being a student as an excuse. Take advantage of it. Most colleges have a gym and a library which can give you time away from home and help you recharge. You can nap in library (a straight 45 minutes will do wonders if it is nearly every day, or even take a caffine nap (which is slamming a cup of coffee and sleeping for 20 to replenish adenosine)) or you can make some more friends who can help you out, even potentially give you a place to crash if things get worse and you become close enough. Just tell your mom you need to study and point to the fact that she is making you go to school so you are making it a priority. Typically a school gym wont let non-students or non-alumni in, so you get a space your mom can’t even get to you.
How old are you?
I was in a similar boat. I ended up getting a job as a camp counselor. Because it had room and board it gave me a buffer to find another job and housing.
If that doesn’t work and you end up at school, make friends with your professors and a lot of em will let you know about new positions on campus.
seriously consider maxing out loans and leaving the country forever if you’re confident you will finish your degree. maybe do a year of school to check yourself before committing to that.
From the US, it might actually be cheaper to attend school internationally. And in a lot of countries it helps move you towards permanent status and eventually dual citizenship. Moving internationally is harder than people think, but doing it as a student is generally the least-difficult way.
If you have the patience, when trying to figure out which major/college/whatever, make an effort to look into the job placement programs through the college/university. Some schools have pipelines set up for graduates of some of their majors to pretty much immediately step into a job. Don’t ignore that.
sometimes i think about the baby she aborted before having me and im jealous bc hes like the top 10 must luckiest mfs in history.
