No matter what I do, it feels hopeless, I feel hopeless. I’m in poverty in the USA and I’m just trying to fucking stay alive. I have a therapist but I’ve seen her twice and haven’t been able to get scheduled since, which was almost three months ago now. I just gave up. It feels insurmountable. I feel like the life I wanted was stolen from me by my family, my fellow citizens, my country.
I spend every day staring at a screen and talking to no one in real life except the family I caretake for. I do my best, but I bitterly resent them for what they put me through, how they made clear this fucking house we live in was more valuable to them than their own child.
I’ll never forget the fear I had put in me when I was caught crossdressing, and just let it go until more than a decade later when I was almost thirty, and even then it took me years to wrestle with my own feelings.
I know Medicaid covers a lot, but I’m probably losing Medicaid this spring because my cancer isn’t cancery enough or whatever. I’ve been waiting on even getting a first hearing for disability and it feels like it will never come and I scrape by on nothing.
I don’t even have my own bed. How can I even realistically pursue anything? I can’t even talk about how much it makes me want to kill myself without getting institutionalized. I feel like I may as well just die now because I’m wasting time, that no one will love me, that no one cares, that I’m just one more easily forgotten casualty of the American Empire that has been murdering with impunity for generations.
I’m sorry I’m crashing out. It just all feels so pointless and fruitless and like I may as well die as the ugly man that I am. I’ve been falling apart ever since I was diagnosed with cancer, and I’m so tired of being treated like I should just toughen up and get over it or something since “I’m a man” or what the fuck ever. I hate it I hate I hate it I hate it
This might sound really cold, but why do you have to caretake for people who treat you like shit? They demand you do free labor for them, don’t let you live as yourself, and don’t even give you a bed. Why should you have any obligation to them if they ask you to live so unsustainably? Don’t be held back by concern for family who can’t do the bare minimum in letting you freely exist. They don’t need any amount of wealth or ability to allow you to be yourself; it’s literally free. If they really need you, then they can at least let you live your own goddamn life.
I’m not giving concrete advice like “somehow find a job in this shit economy and move out to a big city,” as I don’t know what your circumstances really allow. I’m just saying that you need to put yourself first. If you do get any opportunity to escape your shit situation, leave regardless of the ramifications on those people. You cannot go on like this, and while a poor job market and poor health are valid reasons for keeping you trapped, intolerant family aren’t.