I know this is probably a shitposting meme. And my wife and my female friend, when I asked them, both laughed and said, “Yeah all the time.” I can’t tell if it’s sarcasm.

I asked this because Im a guy, and we’ve heard it all before. The guy plowing a warm apple pie. The ookie cookie BS. The jerk off with a sock. Dudes have done some weird things. I absolutely have found myself relieving some stress in interesting ways.

But veggies: Is this a common thing? Am I going to have to worry that my daughter, when she reaches a curious age, starts exploring with vegetables?

During puberty, should I start giving my children Amazon gift cards or no questions ask money to protect my produce?

I am aware this question is ridiculous and I am prepared to be ridiculed.

  • DaGeek247@fedia.io
    218·
    5 months ago

    Take their ‘joke’ seriously and buy them each their own vibrator/dildo combo. Be really serious about the whole thing; explain what they are, what they’re for, everything.

    This way, if they weren’t joking, your veggies are safe. If they were joking, you have just completely topped their joke with your own.

    • Thorny_Insight@lemm.ee
      15·
      5 months ago

      Dad buying their underage daughter a dildo sounds like a good way to get canceled. Or worse.

      I don’t think it’s a bad idea per-se but I can imagine a ton of ways how that could backfire.

      EDIT: Yeah I misread that

        • Deceptichum@quokk.auEnglish
          80·
          5 months ago

          Dad buying their underage wife and her friend a dildo sounds like a good way to get canceled. Or worse.

          I don’t think it’s a bad idea per-se but I can imagine a ton of ways how that could backfire.

            • SuperEars@lemmy.worldEnglish
              1·
              5 months ago

              Dad buying their underage wife and her friend sounds like a good way to get canceled. Or worse.

              I don’t think it’s a bad idea per-se but I can imagine a ton of ways how that could backfire.

      • Zozano@lemy.lolEnglish
        3·
        5 months ago

        I really dont need any more reasons to lick every dildo I find, but I’ll roll with it.

    • Rai@lemmy.dbzer0.com
      5·
      5 months ago

      Rabbits suck. Get a cordless magic wand (silicone head) or a we-vibe touch. If she wants a dildo get it separate (also silicone, I’m a bad dragon enthusiast but you can get great silicone dildos elsewhere)

  • BarqsHasBite@lemmy.world
    159·
    5 months ago

    Hope she washed it off well before putting it back in the fridge. So I doubt the post is real. As for the rest I’ll have to leave it to women to answer. But if you ever find your cucumber in the garbage, just leave it there.

  • Mothra@mander.xyz
    86·
    5 months ago

    I’ve never used a veg for these purposes and I’m not planning to. I would definitely not recommend it to anyone, and I would recommend be very mindful of the hygiene of any objects you decide to insert for whatever reason- speaking from experience here, UTIs are no fun.

    Most people don’t use vegetables for this afaik.

    That aside, the only girl who ever confided in me that she used a veg (a banana btw) also said she put it in a condom. She said she would bin it all afterwards and this sounds like what someone reasonable enough would do. I’d be grossed out if I was to eat something used for that and I’d feel awful to have my family eat something used that way. Just no.

    • ByteOnBikes@slrpnk.netOP
      23·
      5 months ago

      Thank you for the honest response! I sincerely appreciate it.

      Reflecting on your answer, that would make complete sense. Why wouldn’t a person use a condom? My wife has explained how concerned she is about UTIs, and adding that veggie bacteria would be concerning.

      I’m starting to feel like my veggies are safe.

      • Mouselemming@sh.itjust.works
        13·
        5 months ago

        Also most young teens would be a little intimidated by a cucumber. A carrot or banana is more likely, since they’ve probably seen a condom on one before.

        As for the 3 hours, it’s long but by no means impossible.

      • JovialMicrobial@lemm.ee
        7·
        5 months ago

        I havent seen anyone mention this, but cucumbers have little sharp spikes/spines on their skin so that’d be a huge no for the vast majority of people, and those little spikes would probably rip any condom stretched over it.

        Very few people are gonna be into fucking themselves with something that’s got tiny thorns on it…unless they go out of their way to remove them without peeling it entirely I guess.

        Seems like a lot of work though.

    • pete_the_cat@lemmy.worldEnglish
      7·
      5 months ago

      I’m a dude and a cucumber definitely doesn’t seem like it would feel great going in and out. It’s bumpy and the skin is pretty coarse. A banana definitely sounds like a more logical choice.

      • IronKrill@lemmy.ca
        17·
        5 months ago

        Nah, you haven’t lived until you’ve experienced the girth and texture of a garden cucumber.

  • gmtom@lemmy.world
    78·
    5 months ago

    Well she said she used it for 3 hours so I can only imagine it was in fact and edging case.

  • chemical_cutthroat@lemmy.world
    73·
    5 months ago

    Any cucumber you handle for 3 hours for any reason is garbage. You wouldn’t put it in a salad because it would be mush. This is a BS post, obviously.

  • DeadWorld@lemm.eeEnglish
    71·
    5 months ago

    During puberty, should I start giving my children Amazon gift cards or no questions ask money to protect my produce?

    🤣

  • Somehoe35@lemmynsfw.com
    66·
    5 months ago

    As the only female on Lemmy I’m here to say maybe. Possibly anything could be used for penetration. I have personally never used a vegetable. A cucumber could be too large and intimidating for a young girl so hair brush handles are top tier.

  • pixeltree@lemmy.blahaj.zone
    61·
    5 months ago

    Is it normal for teenagers discovering sexuality to improvise sex toys? Absolutely. Cucumbers are generally a convenient shape and size. When I was a young male teenager, I used hotel shampoo bottles. (Almost got one stuck inside me, no idea what I would have done.) When the time comes to have that talk, mention sex toys and that if they want to experiment, they should use objects that are meant to be used that way and that you won’t judge them for it. I’d probably also mention that you won’t open packages addressed to them and leave it at that.

  • bdonvr@thelemmy.club
    59·
    5 months ago

    Hairbrush handles are much more common. I’d say most girls probably haven’t used vegetables.

    • arin@lemmy.worldEnglish
      59·
      5 months ago

      Most hairbrush handle designs are intentionally… yeah. But plastic is porous and nearly impossible to fully disinfect, so girls who reach puberty should be provided with high quality silicone or glass to protect them from getting a bad infection. Prudeness in our society will just hide issues like infection until it gets really awful.

      • Swedneck@discuss.tchncs.de
        11·
        5 months ago

        why is it just assumed that they’ll use an object? hands work fine too, you don’t assume people with penises will inevitably get an infection from sticking it inside a vacuum cleaner…

        And like, lesbians exist?? they have lots of fun just with rubbing!

        • I Cast Fist@programming.dev
          37·
          5 months ago

          Because fingers get tired and, in the case of women, the object can go further inside than her fingers. Depending on setup, she can go hands free, too.

          Sticking a dick in a vacuum cleaner is not a proper comparison because most of the dick is protected by skin and even the glans will mostly be fine with the same dirt/contaminants that you can wash off your skin.

          Anything that gets inside your body represents a much greater risk of infections. A better comparison would be to a man pretend sucking something or sticking it up his ass.

          Please don’t skip biology classes.

          • Swedneck@discuss.tchncs.de
            1·
            5 months ago

            well thanks for being condescending, not sure what this has to do with biology class?

            yes, fingers get tired, why do you think there’s the joke about guys with one suspiciously muscular arm?
            my point is that using your hands is perfectly fine and what you’ll naturally gravitate towards since it’s extremely readily available, it’s strange to me that everyone immediately assumes that women have to use toys to get off, it feels vaguely misogynist somehow, as if girls are incapable of pleasuring themselves…

            that toys feel better is a non argument since that applies arguably doubly so to guys, who can both shove something up their bum and get a fleshlight, and yet no one’s going around saying guys need toys to get off.

          • Swedneck@discuss.tchncs.de
            1·
            5 months ago

            and yet no one worries about what boys get up to, they don’t consider buying their sons a fleshlight so they won’t fuck the couch (though maybe a specific pair of parents should have).

            it just feels strange to me that young women are assumed to be incapable of not harming themselves while having fun, like oh what a coincidence that it’s girls who need protecting, huh?

        • LustyArgonian@lemmy.worldEnglish
          3·
          5 months ago

          Because they don’t know how to get a woman off acoustically. You make great points. Majority of the time I’ve masturbated, it’s been without a toy

          • bionicjoey@lemmy.ca
            4·
            5 months ago

            Because they don’t know how to get a woman off acoustically

            I think you mean “digitally”. Digital = with your digits (ie. fingers). Acoustically = with sound (?)

            Unless you’re talking about ear-tonguing. Which I agree is hot but I think it’d be pretty hard to make a woman cum that way.

              • bionicjoey@lemmy.ca
                4·
                5 months ago

                Lol, never seen that one. Agree that I am a nerd.

                Kinda wild to me that a woman could have this take since as a dude I’m very used to playing acoustic dick. Can’t imagine just deciding I don’t wanna nut anymore because I’d have to do it by hand. I gotta say I kinda envy women since it’s pretty socially acceptable for them to use toys compared to the fellas. It’d be cool if I could just have a fleshlight or sex doll in a drawer somewhere and nobody would think it’s any weirder than a girl having a vibrator in her drawer. They look like they’d feel good and be a fun time. But there’s so much judgement around them.

        • Zozano@lemy.lolEnglish
          1·
          5 months ago

          Despite what you may have seen in porn, using your own fingers for penetration is kind of awkward in terms of angle, and has a very different feeling.

          I think the implication you’re making about lesbians is that they participate in substantially less penetration?

          Being interested in women doesn’t change what feels good in regards to physical gratification.

          • Swedneck@discuss.tchncs.de
            1·
            5 months ago

            what i’m implying is that external stimulation also feels good, and i find the idea that you need internal stimulation to be strange. no one applies this to people with dicks, anyone with a dick is just assumed that external stimulation is sufficient and internal stimulation is an extra thing for brave people.

    • blady_blah@lemmy.world
      5·
      5 months ago

      ient dirty joke. Back in the day kids you could find collections of them in printed books, and later, entire websites solely dedicated to hosting thousands of dirty jokes. They were presented in story format, often happening to your cousin’s friend.

      Not saying no one had ever had this happen to them in the history of mankind. But this is also an old dirty joke that is probably more commonly repeated than acted out.

      *WITHOUT WASHING IT! I mean, was she ok with it being eaten by another family member as long as it wasn’t her? That’s just as gross!

      • MystikIncarnate@lemmy.caEnglish
        2·
        5 months ago

        Yeah, that’s my main take away.

        Not only did she put it back in the fridge in this completely fabricated story, but they did so without washing it?

        Who does that?

    • Valmond@lemmy.world
      4·
      5 months ago

      You have to put it in lukewarm water for 30min / 1 hour too so putting it in the fridge seems counterproductive.

      Well so I have heard, but it was for zucchinis (true story actually, but it was the guy explaining it, I have no idea if it was only used for stroking or penetrating or just to fool around with to lighten up the miod or something. I also recall something about peeling it but that seems wrong).

  • paddirn@lemmy.worldEnglish
    50·
    5 months ago

    Chances are, if something can be fucked or used as a dildo… somebody somewhere has done it out of horniness.

    • pete_the_cat@lemmy.worldEnglish
      44·
      5 months ago

      I still remember about 20 years ago a female friend told me that she masturbated using a bottle of Bawls energy drink (IDK if they even still make the stuff). It was a glass bottle that was bumpy all over (think of the divots on a golf ball, but inverse) and she apparently used it on her clit/vulva.

      When I was a horny pre-teen boy and had no idea how to actually beat off, I discovered that rubbing a silk/nylon pillow with pictures of cats on it felt really good.

      JD Vance fucked a couch.

  • YarrMatey@lemmy.dbzer0.com
    49·
    5 months ago

    Most teens don’t want to put anything up there because it hurts, even tampons hurt as a virgin especially with 0 lube. I never liked regular dildos, most women do not orgasm through penetration. So I would say they are messing with you. I’ve had guys ask me if I ever experimented with pencils or rulers because if they were a girl they would do it. No, wtf only guys think women are like this.

    • kofe@lemmy.worldEnglish
      73·
      5 months ago

      Uhh. Hi, woman here…RIP my inbox but I think it’s important parents talk to teenagers of all genders about this and consider having them look for toys they can experiment with if they express interest. Just because we don’t orgasm from penetration doesn’t mean it feels bad lol. Better they have toys available so they’re less likely to use something inappropriate.

      • YarrMatey@lemmy.dbzer0.com
        8·
        5 months ago

        I agree parents should talk with their kids, I never meant to allude to that. But I disagree that penetration doesn’t feel bad, for me it feels painful without lube and with lube it feels not painful but never enjoyable. Vibrators are the only thing that feels good, that much is universal among the women I’ve talked to.

        • kofe@lemmy.worldEnglish
          35·
          5 months ago

          Well, not that I think it has to be your experience by any means, that’s part of the beauty of life - we’re all a bit different and into different things. I do quite enjoy penetration without need for lube (I mean, I do need to have natural lube, obviously). I usually get myself there with just hands and might use a dildo when I’m worked up enough. Vibrators are great, no doubt. I don’t typically use toys, though, honestly. I did more in my teens when I was ignorant to how my body worked lol. Which is why I wrote the OG comment…I didn’t have appropriate toys, and it caused some shame on occasion. I knew it felt good but didn’t feel safe talking to my parents about it.

          • YarrMatey@lemmy.dbzer0.com
            6·
            5 months ago

            Understandable. I was never into penetration and thought I was weird but after talking to more women and then reading Come As You Are, it clicked that I was actually normal and in the majority (80% are like me). Not that being in the minority is weird, if you read the book you’ll find that is actually normal too. I hate masturbation or sex without a vibrator lol. I never felt safe talking to my parents either, they were super religious and invaded my privacy regularly. I was an adult before getting toys, and everything sex related sucked before them.

            • kofe@lemmy.worldEnglish
              22·
              5 months ago

              My understanding is 80% of people with a uterus don’t climax from penetration, not that we find it necessarily unenjoyable (which is true for me, too; I do need clitoral stimulation to climax). I’ve taken courses on women’s studies, feminist philosophy, etc. to overcome the problematic religious attitudes my parents had, too - and lots of therapy! I’ll see if my library has that book available, though. I’m always interested in learning more.

              I’m really sorry you had that experience growing up, though, that’s awful. As normal as our experiences felt to us having privacy invaded and all the shame, that much shouldn’t be normalized! I’m glad you’ve found what works for you, and I wish you all the most pleasurable experiences around it throughout the rest of your life 💝

              • YarrMatey@lemmy.dbzer0.com
                5·
                5 months ago

                It feels like nothing but rubbing for me? Idk. But I definitely recommend the book. I’m not saying those 80% hate penetration, but it isn’t a big part. I know when I talked to my gyno about painful sex, she said use plenty of lube and orgasm before penetration. Very good advice in case anyone needs it.

                I’m glad you found relief from the religious oppression. We need less shaming and better sex ed for everyone. Thanks for your wishes, I wish you the same!

                • kofe@lemmy.worldEnglish
                  4·
                  5 months ago

                  Oh gotcha, I totally agree it’s not a big part at all! Honestly, I didn’t experience an orgasm until well after I became sexually active, and very rarely with a partner since. It’s extremely important to me as I’m back “on the market” now and have really struggled in past relationships with it. I enjoy the whole aspect to it, exploring whole bodies, but I would very much like to find a relationship where my partner prioritizes helping me climax and has some patience with me on it.

                  By chance, did you talk with your gyno about vaginismus? Not sure if I’m spelling that right, but I’ve had a few friends mention that it’s painful, one friend saying she couldn’t wear tampons or anything. I could see why orgasming first would help the muscles to relax

    • arin@lemmy.worldEnglish
      21·
      5 months ago

      I’ve seen a girl use a syring (without the needle) and put a ziplock bag over it and fuck herself on cam with me. College teens are horny and creative lol

      • HappycamperNZ@lemmy.world
        29·
        5 months ago

        We’re all horny and creative - seen one use a deodorant can… in the front of the car… while I was driving…and stuck in traffic.

        Those of us who don’t live with parents just don’t need to get creative - just buy what you want, or want to try, or your partner wants to try. Three drawers committed to turning her into a sexy puddle.

        • Allero@lemmy.today
          6·
          5 months ago

          Wow, you’re quite a connoisseur

          Getting there myself. My girl deserves every piece of joy she can get, and I do too (hehe)

          • HappycamperNZ@lemmy.world
            9·
            5 months ago

            I wouldn’t say connoisseur - it’s like they select fine wine and appropriate pairings after careful consideration. We’re more like “24 pack and a goon bag” and see where we end up. Never stop trying new things and exploring with someone you trust.

            • Allero@lemmy.today
              2·
              5 months ago

              That’s pretty cool!

              Yeah we have one such set that includes just about everything to spice things up. Not necessarily best grade stuff, but a nice starting point to figure out good directions!

            • BreadOven@lemmy.world
              1·
              5 months ago

              Found the Australian? Or is it the states that use goon bag? I thought it was space bag in the states.

                • BreadOven@lemmy.world
                  1·
                  5 months ago

                  Ah, sorry. I am not too well versed in the lingo over there (Aus or Kiwi). I based my entire comment off of a song (wingnut dishwashers union - Jesus does the dishes). The original lyric mentions space bags, but when the artist was in Aus he changed it to goon bags. Didn’t think I’d learn that much from a folk-pink song. Also worth checking out if you wanna hear someone playing acoustic guitar and yelling.

    • cashmaggot@piefed.social
      10·
      5 months ago

      Yo, this is a real actual human person right here.

      Men would be asking me the most heinous of shit and I literally had nothing to do with them. Like, what? I think things are better now, cause I’m older. But hot damn, the shit I was being asked if I reversed it I’d be like asking if when they are fucking a girl do they make sure to jizz on their face or some shit. Like wtf who the fuck asks this just sitting around talking to someone they just met or are (platonically, in a group) having some chow with!?

      • MutilationWave@lemmy.world
        3·
        5 months ago

        Some people talk about sex freely. In college everyone in my friend group knew who all fucked who. My ex girlfriend made a drawing connecting everyone with lines. It was pretty damn funny.

        • cashmaggot@piefed.socialEnglish
          3·
          5 months ago

          Oh for sure, I am stanky pirate but like - there’s like talking about sex freely and being a homophobic dickweed. And growing up I got so many micro-aggresive bullshit homophobic shit-shit questions. But I am pretty different than some folks (personally) in which I don’t fuck friends. Cause a lot of them are found family for me and they act as sisters, brothers, and the likes. And I ain’t about that life. But I am friends with some of my exes. But it’s not on that level. Like, I wish them well and am happy they’re doing okay in their lives. Having a solid talk every now and then is cool. But I always figured exes are exes for a reason, and I’m not terribly close with any of them. Although, like I said I mean really - all the best to them as a whole.

          My gal fucks her friends. She’s like totally different than me. So I know different strokes for different folks. And it’s not to say I didn’t “get it in” or wasn’t a raunchy pirate hooker. I just draw the boundary within my own existence and honestly I am pretty happy overall with the folks I have gotten the sweetness to carry with me thus far in life. And I hope that someday if/when I am old I still have at least some of them around.

          I can’t even remember what the person said up there. And the post so and such isn’t showing it. But I think what I was seeing if I remember correctly was someone stating that it’s not all about penetration (although it can be, and have at if that’s your jam), it’s not all about fucking (although yet again - if that’s your priority - have at), but that there are some real sexual issues that hit folks with the female sex that could supersede the issue.

          I also think you know probably a majority of people who responded were more than likely guys, and I saw this person - as someone who had to at least be female-sexed. I mean I don’t know their life. But it sounds like that’s whatsup. But it is an assumption, so like - at the end of the day I think I put person.

          And I don’t know your life, although I’m gunna assume you like The Pixies (=P) but lots of dudes over my lifetime and been putting their dick-brains (as in talking with their dicks) and harassing the fuck out of me whether I knew them or not all over the joint. The other stuff is straight homophobic, but I will say in general that most people who are female presenting in some way are gunna be harassed and that’s what I am talking about.

          My two sibbies stole butt-plugs from me at one point in my life. Do not like that. Found out much later. Had they come to me, I would have grabbed them anything they want. I was, and still am hella sex-positive. Only difference is that I am now in a long-term dedicated monogamous relationships and I have health issues that have overall affected my life in general so it’s not like sex is my tippy-top “chase the cat” prerogative. More so I just want to stay as physically healthy as I can, so that I can have the best quality of life I can. So like, still get down. Do my thing. Have a great gay life. But I am older (not like so damn old, but def people aren’t out here just crossing my boundaries like they are getting paid to) so I think that the guys are more chill, I live in a completely different area that anything else I’ve ever lived in before (which is less openly social as a whole so I don’t think most guys are out here just cat-calling people anyways), and I feel pretty ambivalent on the whole sex scene outside of my bedroom because I don’t have any skin in the game.

          If any of that makes sense. Idk. But either way, it’s all about whatever floats your boat. You know? But it’s pretty funny though as a whole you saying what you’re saying because I might be the least censored individual I have ever been around. Cause I am a real fuck-face. But it is what it is.

          p.s. - I don’t give a fuck what guys be doing, let alone heterosexuals as a whole with their sexual stuff. I’m happy if you’re happy. But I literally never could give an actual fuck. Which might sound hetero-phobic - but by that I mean do you. Do I care? Nah. And I would love, love, love if people came at me with that energy instead of asking me stupid ass shit. That basically invalidated my sexual experiences.

    • feedum_sneedson@lemmy.world
      5·
      5 months ago

      Girls experiment.

      You can downvote me but my girlfriend literally did what you’re describing with a pencil when she was younger, I’m sure she’s not the only girl in the world to have done that.

      • YarrMatey@lemmy.dbzer0.com
        1·
        5 months ago

        I’m not going to down vote you lol, I haven’t down voted anyone in this thread. There is no wrong answer or response. I do feel bad for her though, pencils are sharp even when unsharpened, I can’t imagine that felt good. Did she wrap it in a condom? How old was she?

    • tamal3@lemmy.world
      5·
      5 months ago

      That bit about tampons isn’t true at all, and has nothing to do with virginity. Nothing fundamentally changed about your body when you had sex. You were just using tampons badly.

      • YarrMatey@lemmy.dbzer0.com
        1·
        5 months ago

        You’re probably right, I never used lube with tampons but if I did it might not have hurt so bad. I did feel it was less tight putting them in once my virginity was gone but it still felt like tearing using them so maybe that was just me. Just now I tried searching but all I got was tampons don’t take your virginity which I already knew and was not trying to imply. I use cups now with lube and it is much better than tampons for me.

        Edit:

        Will tampons hurt with endometriosis?

        They can, but the tampon pain associated with endometriosis tends to be similar to endometriosis dyspareunia, a term used to describe pain during sex. With endometriosis, a tampon can cause a heavy pain felt deep in the abdomen, or cramping.

        Sometimes the tampon pain related to endometriosis also can cause your vaginal muscles to tense, causing a sharp pain at the entrance of the vagina when inserting or removing a tampon.

        TINA tip: If you have endometriosis, speak with your doctor about which options for managing your period might be most comfortable. Speak up about how you’re feeling so your doctor can help you determine which type of pain relief options might work for you.

        TIL I may have had endometriosis this whole time. I was wondering how I was using tampons wrong when I have heavy flows that need tampon+pad to manage.

        https://www.tinahealthcare.com/blogs/learn/tampons-cause-pain-or-discomfort

  • gandalf_der_12te@lemmy.blahaj.zone
    48·
    5 months ago

    Am I going to have to worry that my daughter, when she reaches a curious age, starts exploring with vegetables?

    No. Worrying doesn’t help anyone. Just relax.

    • ameancow@lemmy.worldEnglish
      5·
      5 months ago

      Next thing you’re going to tell us is that we SHOULDN’T become absolutely obsessed with the personal habits and sex lives of other people whom I will never meet nor be involved with in any way! Preposterous!

        • ameancow@lemmy.worldEnglish
          1·
          5 months ago

          It seems so obviously counterproductive that the only thing I can think is that they’re enjoying it, like it’s a kink to get into other people’s sex lives and tell them what they should and should not do.

          No, seriously. If you spend time in the conservative, christian communities like where I grew up, you hear these people just spend night and fucking day thinking about “sin” and the ways that nasty, dirty, eeeeevil sinners like to sin and all the details about what manner of sin they partake in… and so on.