I get a mix of deeply bad and highly good feelings from it.

Another problem is it also makes me manic and want to be a superhero, but I have lower than average normal-person powers without any spoons to spare. I need help understanding that nothing bad is happening to me if I read or watch theory, and that I can indeed respond to what I read by simply sitting in a more educated space of mind without physically doing anything. (Again, no spoons, can’t volunteer or anything it’s frustrating.)