I bought and am gradually fixing up a large dilapidated house in my city to use as emergency housing for trans people. I can afford all fixed costs (mortgage, property tax, insurance utilities) by myself. In March, a distant connection of a comrade moved in. Our agreement was that they contribute 10% of their income (~15% of the fixed costs of the house) and contribute as they are able to our collective emergency housing project. I work somewhat more than full-time and they work itinerantly as a housesitter and selling art at craft markets.

Since then, I have found out that my roommate comes from a rich family able to support her in a city across the state, has a masters degree, and has no debt. For instance, their family paid for them to fly and stay out of country on a two week trip. They are also somewhat more able than me. Another comrade is planning to move in with us and is taking the other currently-available bedroom meaning we cannot provide emergency housing in the medium term while I make the other rooms habitable.

My frustration has reached a breaking point when 1) they sent a passive-aggressive message about a few things our other comrade left in the entrance as they are moving in slowly, and 2) they shirked being available to receive an appliance delivery with 2 weeks’ notice so we can have a working kitchen.

W/r/t to domestic labor I feel we are at a 30:70 split with my roommate doing more, and that the general level of cleanliness is below what they would like. 90% of our eating and all of our laundry are separately done.

The origin of my feeling comes from my envy at the fact that they have to work very little, and that I significantly subsidize their ability to do so—their contribution is about 20-30% what a room in a rental would cost. At the same time, I recognize the significant power imbalance in our relationship.

My principle goal is finding parity in our contribution that acknowledges our power imbalance. Additionally, our 3rd comrade who is moving in is in a significantly more precarious structural position and is offering significantly more money and labor investment in our housing project.

How can I recognize and communicate my frustration fairly?

  • Oreb [none/use name]@hexbear.netEnglish
    15·
    24 days ago

    I think it will be difficult to communicate without the bougie roomie going on the defense as they struggle to deal with the internal contradictions. However, discussing how they should contribute to the project and its goals might be an avenue. Also on a general note, I’ve lived in multiple shared house with up to 10 ppl and the best house was the one where we ate dinner together every week night. It wasn’t extremely strict that you be there but each night two of the roommates cooked and another two cleaned. With 10 ppl this worked out well in rotation. With a smaller group every night might be difficult, but the point is that everyone sits and eats together regularly. This gives time for discussion and helps develop community. Also clear responsibilities regarding chores was always helpful the larger the group got.