Even worse idk much about codeswitching.
I can tell friends who are girls “I love you” and they take it as friendly. But guys can’t hear this without thinking he’s laid claim to a romantic and/or sexual feelings?
If I reject a girl asking me out with the attitude of a bubbly girl talking to another bubbly girl at a party, and say “I have a bf. But you’re a babe!, You can get another babe!” She’d totally be friendly back about it… But once I said this to a guy who asked me out, and he proceeded to ask me for my number 4 times in less than 10 seconds.
Shit like this puts me in fight or flight mode. I have very little awareness of how or why I have to codeswitch between men and women. My skin is crawling nearly everytime a friend points out to me in retrospect that a guy was actually flirting with me after my only intention was being friends or a friendly neighbor. Yikes. I want to go back in time and yell “Fuck you stop being a creep!” (Ofc, they’d be too creepy to understand why I would say that.)
That said, I love my bf because his fem side makes him chill and understanding if a girl talks to him like he’s another girl. I’m pretty quiet and mostly talk to him, and I have no guy friends. So I’m not learning codeswitching skills by watching him. How do you codeswitch and why do you codeswitch in the exact way(s) you do? I barely go outside, and I’m angry at guys everyday over this over past events I’m creeped out by.
It took me a long time to realize I could be perceived as threatening. In my mind I always assumed I was a smal bean. My partner explained this about me. I realize a lot of my partner liked this about me, and would end up resenting me because that wasn’t how I perceived myself. I try my best to express non threatening niceness. But also realize that that in itself can be perceived as a ruse. Sorry, it’s just strange the bodies we end up in. I just don’t want to be scary.
This is very relatable. Seeing the moment of genuine fear in someone’s eyes when they round a corner in front of me or open a door to reveal me on the other side feels bad.
I’m hoping it comes in handy for passively defending comrades i hang with and i just don’t know it.
I’ve accepted this about myself and now just try to offer people quick relief from the fear with a smile and good vibes, and by not making sudden movements until they know I’m a clown
I understand the feeling too and there’s times I want to be extra welcoming to people who may perceive me as a threat, but that would just make me seem MORE scary! Especially when someone is already anxious, they’re looking into every little action out of self preservation.
In fact, sometimes trying to do those things to make myself seem nice to others is more for my benefit - to feel good in how i perceive myself, rather than actually understanding and reacting to the feelings of others.
Acting different to try and “be less threatening” is easily taken as unpredictability - the same way I might be suddenly get fight or flight from an unexpected meeting in my work calendar, even if my manager didnt intend it to be ominous! But acting predictably and accounting for that potential anxiety would let them avoid that altogether.