op found a mom for himself.
It’s clearly a step-mom if anything.
(Tho op didn’t actually specify Jocastas family details.)
“I can fix him”
fixes him
There is no fixing here, this is an armed bomb
Joke on my ex fiance. Although it might be on me considering she cheated.
“She could fix others but not herself”
Then he leaves her for someone “who doesn’t nag” and is more exciting.
Having a partner in life makes a huge difference to motivation. I dont really agree with this idea of them leveraging things to force you to act that sounds like a living hell. These things should come naturally as you desire being the best version of yourself for your partner.
These things should come naturally as you desire being the best version of yourself for your partner
how i knew i could marry my wife, i wanted to do this.
Amen brother.
god yea i love manipulation and emotional abuse
My favorite kink
Yeesh. What’s the girlfriend getting out of all of this? Seems like a lot of work to run someone else’s life in addition to your own.
“I can fix him”
A lot of women get off on the idea of “flawed but ultimately good man is saved by woman’s love and support.” It’s a whole trope.
Looked at from a more autistic angle (we are on Lemmy, after all), we can imagine women’s options of men as a matrix. On one axis: is a jerk/is not a jerk. On the other: has shit together/does not have shit together.
Supposing you are a woman of average dating appeal in your market, you will initially be attracted to guys who have their shit together. This makes sense, and is the premise of your comment - why would a woman date a guy who doesn’t have his shit together? But you run into a problem: guys who have their shit together and aren’t jerks have a lot of options. They are either quickly removed from the dating market, or else they have no reason to settle down with any one particular woman - least of all one who is completely average. So an average woman looking for a long term partner among guys who have their shit together will find the market flooded with jerks.
After dating a few jerks and finding their jerk-ness doesn’t improve with time, you will start considering your other option: guys who don’t have their shit together, but are nice. Sure this guy always has a sink full of dirty dishes and has never thought of asking for a raise at his job - but he’s appreciative enough that he has any woman in his life that you can feel secure knowing he won’t beat you or belittle you or cheat on you or leave you. You just have to get him to do his dishes or whatever, which is a more solveable problem than training a jerk to not be a jerk.
I believe OPs story is how it originally worked in a lot of traditional marriages. Women stays home but keeps a close eye on any business activity her man does. Since he earns a lot of money when he’s productive, she tries to keep him productive by pushing him in the right way. That’s how marriage worked. That was a long time ago, however, and such a strategy would not make sense today because people rarely stay together long enough for such a game to pay off for the women.
Anon likes to be dommed
Pre negotiated consensual power exchange? No thanks I want the unhealthy version please
Or even just needs to be to have some quality of life.
Not everyone can have personal assistants.
Fuck, I love being single and living by myself.
Weird. I had the opposite experience.
Used to have gfs. They constantly nagged me to don’t work out, to not get a better job, to drink, to smoke, and party. oh and don’t have friends they don’t like and don’t do anything that doesn’t involve them. i was always trying to get us to get better jobs, take classes, try new things, try new places, etc. They would have NONE of it. Having goals and wanting to do stuff in life made me some sort of huge asshole to them.
I’ve been single 6 years and my salary has gone up 250%. in the decade I was dating women… it went up like 10%. and i am fitter, stronger, have lots of cool hobbies and i volunteer a lot. I also have pets and own a home. Only thing I don’t have in life that I want is a wife/child.
And when I try to date… i just meet women who think all that shit is gross. I already went on three dates this month and got told by each woman that I was ‘too put together and active and serious about life’. they just want someone to get drunk with on the weekends. I don’t. I can’t seem to find any women to date who actually want to be an active participant in their own life.
I know you aren’t asking for advice but many people search for partners in places that only have 1 type of person. For example you don’t look for a wife at the club or you don’t look for a party animal at church.
Sounds like you are looking for a certain type of person in exactly the opposite place you should be looking.
i am not looking for any type of person or in any particular place.
i just tend to attract women who are losers. even rich losers. i’ve dated women who had way more money than me who constantly compared about how broke they were and how hard/difficult their life was how I should make more money so they can sit at home no their ass and do nothing. these were doctors/lawyers even.
it’s a very common mentality among USA women, esp single ones.
I grew up in the country where lots of people are like this. As an adult, I’ve always lived in cities. I’m some odd amalgamation of the two, perfectly content in not chasing goals but also hyper vigilant in avoiding people that enable poor health decisions. It’s quite a zen life, to be honest, but I often come upon people who work both extremes: pushing me toward unhealthy habits or pushing me toward more prestigious paths, assuming depression. I don’t know; I’m just happy to be healthy, competent, and well fed.
And, I’ve always been single, having never been compelled to try. When you don’t intend to have children, the calculus changes. I would enjoy having the full human experience, but my outlook prevents me from making that choice.
Also note that i’ve observed that there’s whole swaths of areas which seem to have the same/similar personality type. Like, i grew up in some backwards country village, and all the people there seemed to have a very specific type of mentality that i didn’t share (which is why i hated it there). Note: i was an immigrant child. After moving to the big city, i met much more like-minded people, and everything got better.
My lesson is: In some areas, even large parts of land, people are very similar and if you don’t get along with them, it’s probably best if you move somewhere completely else instead of trying to stay and make friends with them.
Anon learns the joys of being a pet
When you put it like that… 😅
Pet does not sound too bad, sex is optional.
kind of toxic post ngl
Yeah, no. That is not what I signed up for.
We do lift each other up, it’s not a one way thing. Can advise, and do, and he does with me too. So sure, I am willing to make suggestions and he always wants me to do stuff like style his wardrobe, do all the interior design, etc., yeah I’m down, my eye is better. He plans all the trips, his mom was a travel agent.
But would not dream of using sex as a lever, because I want sex for sex.
And I sure as fuck don’t want another kid, I want a partner.
it’s actually a lot easier to find a partner who guides you on the right path of life through love and support instead of just being abusive
The guy just discovered female led relationship. If he likes it, it is like a heaven.
Meh. It’s more finding the person that compliments you. Your SO should compliment you so your weaknesses are less pronounced and likewise you should do that with your SO.
A rising tide lifts all boats.
Hey, if two (or more) people are making each other happy and doing well, right on. Yea that "traditional " style of relationship isnt for me. Especially the idea of withholding conversation or sex as punishment. Well, if it was kink minded then maybe, but I digress.
Anywhoots, being in a happy stable relationship certainly helped me get some of my act together. Hopefully i wont fully come apart the seams right now.
Especially the idea of withholding conversation or sex as punishment.
What if the withholding is driven purely by emotion rather than being premeditated?
Like, someone is angry, so they dont talk for awhile? They are sad, so maybe no fuckey tonight? Etc. Thats fine. I dont mean to say they should always be talking or fucking.
Withholding to punish, or to steer the partner a certain way is what seems problamatic.
Yeah, like that.
My point being, what we end up saying is that two people could do exactly the same thing, but it is only acceptable if there is no premeditation and everything is completely emotional.
I feel like we are making the same point
“I only care about myself when someone else cares about me” is not particularly healthy.
“i want to improve more for others than for myself” isn’t fantastic, but it’s pointing in the right direction
Well that does sound better, as long as it’s not completely dependent on another persons approval, that’s kinda asking for trouble.
More in the right direction than the wrong but still not the right direction entirely. It needs to come from within to be strong and lasting.
Plus that isn’t what’s happening here, he’s being a child who is also being emotionally and sexually manipulated.
It can be unimaginably, uncomprehendingly better than just the ‘I don’t care about myself’ state tho, if that is the best they can manage or perhaps even as a step on the gradual path of self-worth/healing - that is amazing!
Don’t dismiss ‘getting slightly better’ as a failure bcs it’s not immediately resulting in the prefect best-case end scenario/state.
We are all on a journey.
Sure, I’ve been there, I’m still there some days, it’s a lot of hard work to push yourself and find your redeeming qualities when you feel like you don’t have any, or keep trying when you feel like you fail every time, or feel like you sabotage yourself every time you get something going right. If that’s a step it’s great I’m just saying, don’t put all your eggs in one basket.
