Her lips quivered as his eyebrows quivered. She looked at him like a dog staring at a ham.
My favorite of all time and winner of the 2010 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest.
For the first month of Ricardo and Felicity’s affair, they greeted one another at every stolen rendezvous with a kiss—a lengthy, ravenous kiss, Ricardo lapping and sucking at Felicity’s mouth as if she were a giant cage-mounted water bottle and he were the world’s thirstiest gerbil.
– Molly Ringle, Seattle WA
I need mouthwash after reading this.
thanks, today i learned :
The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (BLFC) was a tongue-in-cheek contest, held annually and sponsored by the English Department of San José State University in San Jose, California until 2025. Entrants were invited “to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels” – that is, one which was deliberately bad. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bulwer-Lytton_Fiction_Contest
I cannot read this without hearing Leslie Nielsen’s voice.
“Like a blind man at an orgy … I was going to have to feel my way through” - Frank Drebin
My mind went to Liam Neeson
It’s a pale imitation.
Liam Nielsen
I heard that he’s riddled with aids.
Seconds passed, then minutes more. Hours even: that’s 2,4,6,8 and so on. She waited with a baited breath, ensnaring precious oxygen into her lungs with reckless abandon. If air was money, she’d be sniffing every fart like it’s rent. That’s not what she did though. So she waited.
You should have entered the Lython contest
Top shelf.
Yea even a college kid could write a romance novel with a sexy billionaire vampire. Try writing it with this instead:
Despite having access to super modells he still choose you. He was accepting of all your imprefections and struggles, because in his eyes they made you far more special and beautiful than all the other women in his life. He let you be fully free and yourself, not needing to hide your anxieties and discomforts. But he also was just dominant and pushy enough to keep you exited almost like he could read what’s on your mind before you even knew it. When you were around other women with him - women you always have felt intimidated by, his look alone could lift you up to feel on parr, even superior to them
The way he got along with your parents was almost like he always has been part of the family. Your mother starting to see his success and riches almosts as your own accomplishments. She even apologized for all the times of ridicule, not knowing that you were right all along in your choices that led you to him.
His rich colleagues all envied him for being with such a trustfull and down to earth woman like you, expressing their own wishes to get away from all the drama that came with relationships with models and actresses. Even his long childhood friends understood to bow to your relationships and that you have become the center piece of his life. And he knew it too.
Edit: Ah, I forgot about the prettier sister realizing that her better looks and working out ment nothing in the end.
Still a better love story tha… WAIT A MINUTE
Women only want one thing and it’s disgusting.
vagina discharge washes all livestock, traffic, people, and pets within 100km out to sea
The massive outflow of fluidic carnal energy temporarily disturbed the ocean swells and sent a tsunami of sweet scented passion that hit the Portuguese coast later that morning.
You all are about 90% done with the first chapter.
… he whispered to himself, standing on the New England coast, his long hair blowing in the wind, shirtless in his strong muscular frame as he watched the ocean recede and drive her watery passions out to the European shore.
… “Labubu” he murmured, his dulcet undertones coalescing in the balmy sea air like pearls of Tiktok, “I have come to bargain.” The sea swelled into a single shadow of a wave, and there high atop the sixty-seven foot foamy surf stood the creature itself, Vaporeon prime, fur glistening lustily in the moonlight.
The coast, you say? peers out window
Welcome to Lemmy, we need more of this here!
I gather the ladies have largely moved on to sexy fairies now. Court of Thorn and Roses series is a huge best seller.
Shout out to the podcast Reading Smut for keeping me informed.
i mean, edward was 100% fey already. Sparkles in the daylight vampires? Come the fuck on. Thats fairy shit through and through.
Now? Laurel K Hamilton was writing A Kiss of Shadows in (checks notes…) Two fucking Thousand! You kids are way behind!
I’ve only started learning about this topic recently, sorry, friend!
Lucky you! She wrote quite a few of those Meredith Gentry novels if you like that sort of things. She was doing bit lit before it was a thing, really :)
It’s kinda amazing how she started as an Ann Rice wannabe but then the erotic angle took more and more of the novels and then the Meredith Gentry series started pretty much full on porn right out of the gate.
Yeah I’ve been reading Clea, Huntress of Dragonvale. Part five of the Elves of Evermore Series.
"The Elf-Lord Fylfendell knelt upon the bed of dandelions.
"‘Young wanderer,’ quoth he, 'I have woven you
a magic breastplate…"’
I didn’t know I needed to know about that. Thank you!
This is so Ayn Rand-coded
I can hear Gilbert Gottfried reading this like he did with 50 Shades of Gray.
And this!
Haha, that’s amazing.
If you laugh at this you should also laugh at guys watching porn
I mean, the gender swapped version of this is like 9 years old at this point so I think it’s fair to say we’ve been laughing at guys too…
i mean we kinda already do. or at least we laugh at the porn aimed at them anyway
“His erect member throbbed, red chaff lines glowing with the heat of his passion, in the dim light of the monitors glow. ‘Why yes, I would like to learn more about Horny MILFs in my area’ he growled, before clicking the large pop-up banner and snuggling his succulent ass cheeks into the gaming chair”
I laugh at myself all day long. What’s your point?
I laugh at shitty porn, yes.
Smells like strawman in here (jacking off of course)
Self-inserty hair?
Long silky black with natural red highlights shining purple in the light probably.
I was thinking of something completely different, and much weirder.
… thank you i hate it
I mean it did say rapey in the very same sentence fragment so… you aren’t the only one thus confused.
Hahaha omg my boyfriend actually has hair like this
As in: hair belonging to a self-insert character
That doesn’t make it better.
I read “self-inserty” as slang for vain? But it could also be a property of the hair?
Self-insert usually means the writer designed a character after themselves but in this instance I think it means the reader should imagine their own hair there
Dammit, Stephanie Meyer! Get off Lemmy and get back to…oh…hmmm. Actually, please disregard. As you were.
