Lynee from Genshin Impact fan art: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/lyney--74872412550593991/
Image I was not able to trace to its origin: https://wallhaven.cc/w/2emr8x
Thank you for sharing this difficult and intimate stuff with the community. I can’t add to the replies as I’m a few steps (and years - I’m in UK) away from getting e. But I constantly vibrate between: I’m feminine and expressing that feels such a relief and … well feeling and thinking all sorts of bad stuff about myself, like I’m making it up, like I’m doing it for attention, or unnecessarily making things difficult for family etc.
Take care of yourself, you’re a real person and you matter, regardless of your gender. I’m sorry things are so hard for you right now. xx
Ah, good to know that even if I start HRT I’ll still ping pong back and forth between certainty and feeling like I’m a fucking idiot for ever questioning in the first place 😭
Who knows. Maybe you will be different. Maybe you will be the gayest of us all, the one who dismantles capitalism, and the one who will make transitioning into a helpful stress-free process. All hail out supreme leader. /I just feel silly lately. You can just ignore what I’ve said
If I had to guess I’d still be bisexual af and too sleepy to dismantle capitalism. But hey, maybe I’d look like a cutie while I was sleeping in.
I’ve been feeling the same way recently, and I’m glad to know I’m not alone, though I am sorry you’re feeling uncertain.
I’ve been on E for about 9 months now, and as I stand on the precipice of being obviously trans to everyone around me, I’m less sure I want it.
Other than (most of) my family, the people around me are supportive. I was even in my friend’s wedding as a woman.
But, the further into my transition I get, I notice more the differences between cis women and myself that only living through a girlhood from birth would fix. Everyone is accepting, and yet still I feel the divide between myself and women. Even when people around me are being affirming, it feels like they’re doing so to satisfy my ego.
When I started my transition, my expectations were that I would finish 5 years of HRT, and most likely be clockable. Now, I’m not so sure that’s going to be the case. It’s going great, and I think I’ll probably pass pretty well most of the time.
I look at the benefits HRT has had on me, and I find it hard to deny that I have gender dysphoria. I’m slowly dropping my bad habits, my mental fog has disappeared, I feel much more comfortable being myself, etc. But I worry about the social aspect. My wife always asks, “But if you didn’t have to worry about being treated differently, would you still transition?”
My answer up until now was an emphatic yes, but then I realized that it’s a hypothetical. Try as one might, we are inseparable from the society in which we live. Gender is a performance, so we are always going to need someone for which to perform.
I do have a bit of social anxiety and imposter syndrome, and that has gotten worse as I’m overly concerned with coming across the wrong way or being a ‘fake woman.’ Do let me clarify, I believe trans women are women and trans men are men. I believe that HRT does affect the brain, and it does partially gender one’s thought processes. But I see my wife interacting with her girl friends, and I see a lifetime of socialization that I will not be able to match.
Even though, realistically, I could match it. I guess it would just feel like acting? I just can’t let myself have womanhood, for some reason.
I don’t intend any of what I said to discourage or encourage you in any particular direction. I just have been feeling the same way, and virtually nobody is talking about this. Good luck figuring yourself out.
Sounds like you’re having social dysphoria rather than not really wanting to be a woman. As you said, cis women had a lifetime to learn, but we don’t. That doesn’t mean we can’t catch up, nor does it mean we aren’t allowed to make mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes and “female socialization” is fairly cultural.
Right, but cis women get to make mistakes in the context of being cis women. It’s a larger problem when we fuck it up. That’s just my take, I do really appreciate any and all advice I can get from trans ladies with more life experience than I.
I wouldn’t say I have more life experience, it’s just that I’ve learned to not beat myself up over social mistakes. I’ve literally never been socially “normal” thanks to my autism, so transitioning didn’t really make my level of awkwardness worse. Yes I wasn’t used to it and yes I make mistakes, but I’ve always been a weirdo so at least I’m a socially inept woman rather than a socially inept man.
I’m a certified aspie, so for me it’s more like 50/50 normal vs awkward. Basically I have my shit together in a neurotypical fashion most days, and I’m absolutely devastated when my symptoms start displaying.
That could be why I’m having trouble. I’m already used to the types of awkwardness you get from male circles. Idk. The question that floats around my mind is, “Since I have autism, am I able to truly understand the presentation aspect of gender?”
“Since I have autism, am I able to truly understand the presentation aspect of gender?”
You’ll probably have to learn them more explicitly than intuitively, like most social customs when you’re autistic. That doesn’t mean you won’t eventually figure things out, and it will probably be easier than learning male social norms. I still don’t fully understand men, while understanding women has been easier, even when I make mistakes.
Yeah, I need to drop the whole “if it’s not perfect then why do it” attitude.
This might be an invasive question, but would you care to share how long you’ve been on your journey? Not that I intend to disregard your advice, it can just be hard for me to tell the difference between experienced reassurance and fresh-faced optimism.
I came out over two years ago and started HRT a year and a half ago. While I still lack a sense of fashion and am kinda depressed because of the state of the world, I have a passing voice and appearance for the most part (clothing is my big shortfall).
On break?
yep, I tried E for 6 weeks (happy with the permanent changes) and stop because my mood was swinging (still is) too often for me to make a such permanent decision. Now is 2nd month since pausing and I do feel like shit.
Transdermal or at least needles is less swingy.
I still swing even without E and to be honest I like the swings on E. Just not about a big life decision. And I use injections.
yeah feel
Been toying with the idea of an E trial period. What kind of permanent changes occurred after 6 weeks?
🫂 Best of luck figuring things out
Easy to hide breast buds. I wouldn’t really recommend it. I didn’t really have dysphoria until then. I just wanted to look more feminine and it would be easier for me to wear what I want. Now I have biochemical dysphoria and even though I like my body more I have a hard time figuring out my goals. Use it as a reassurance that it is what you want, not to find out. Also the mental recoil of pausing for the next month or even longer can be extremely severe and in my case even suicidal.
Sorry you’re going through that. You’ve got this 🫂.
I know what I want but what I struggle with is whether I want it badly enough to blow up my life. A friend who has fully transitioned raves about the positive mental changes from E and that’s what I’ve wanted to experience even more than physical changes.
Funny how that works, huh?
Do you have any reservations beyond the mood swings?
I kind of cannot imagine what I would look like. I would take all of those changes to a degree but I don’t hate my current looks. My head is still swinging with this question and every time I try to give up I just can’t. Estrogen makes me feel alive, pausing E made me feel like dying inside, and now I cry without knowing why.
Estrogen makes me feel alive, pausing E made me feel like dying inside
That sounds like an important observation there
You can’t know for sure what you’ll look like post-transition, but you already know that estrogen will make you feel better in general. So really it’s just a question of what you value more, how you look or how you feel?
Estrogen makes me feel alive, pausing E made me feel like dying inside
Your body’s telling you its answer - take your time deciding whether you agree <3
Would you like your looks less if you went on hrt full-time?
I feel like I should also mention that most changes from 6 weeks on hrt will completely reverse given enough time. You generally need several months to half a year for there to be irreversible changes.
My body is very sensitive to estrogen. The breast tissue I have is a real is a real tissue and not just water or fat.
So you wouldn’t be happy with breasts?
oh I would if I felt certain. If I could like right now permanently get easily bindable breasts I would take it. Personal and I like the feeling of rolling in bed and feeling the tissue kind of stretch. It’s a personal part of me making me feel fem, so I doubt I would dislike them if they got bigger but hideable. It’s really just that it’s permanent and my mood keeps swinging between certainty and self doubt. In one swing I inject E in another I destroyed my syringes as it was the only way to not take it during swings.
Honestly. Ive been on E for almost two years now, would pass if i tried but i just cant get myself to do it. Im happy with the changes and i wouldnt want to go back. Its my life, my body, and i have every right to seek a happy and fulfilling life as myself.
Sometimes i get these doubts too. Ive figured out that most of them come from outside, from people around me. I feel like i would be a disappointment to my parents if i did come out. Im not sure how my friends would react either. And suddenly i would have this huge need to perform my gender or something, to not appear fake and for the people to take me seriously. I dont wanna socially transition. Im just so afraid.
Like it would fix me if i could move somewhere where no one knew me from before. Its just that simple, but in practice, holy fucking shit. Its just, the people. The people make this so fucking hard. Especially the ones who know me and who i interact with weekly. Fuck.
