It lets dads rest comfortably on neglecting their kids because “they secretly love them.”
I have never met anyone who ever thought their parent was especially good, at least once you get beyond a surface level interaction with them. We are all critical of our parents, and we should be, that’s how you grow.
Folks who blame their folks for their problems however, tend not to grow and be forever stuck emotionally seeking satisfaction from the parent, or surrogate parent figures.
I meet many folks who had objectively better parents than me, who are convinced their parents are far worse than mine, and I was the one who had it better. Blows my mind, but you know, victim mentality and all that.
Met someone a few months ago who went on a rant about how their parents ‘forced’ them to become a successful person, and how they wished they could have been a slacker… and then told me I was a slacker and how amazing my parents must have been because they didn’t support me through college and graduate school financially… it was just like … OK there, you insane person. Yeah, you’re dad investing in you and supporting you and encouraging you to become independent and wildly successful in your life is… is clearly child abuse
Also been told my folks are abusive and shitty parents for not paying for my college, buying me a house, etc. and they should have never have had me if they couldn’t afford those things for me… right.
Some people have pretty abusive parents and have cPTSD as a result. You can see physical proof on an MRI scan.
I’m not talking about abusers. I’m talking about people who re-frame their parents as abusers despite them objectively being good parents, because they are unhappy with themselves and need to blame someone. No matter how absurd it is when they talk about it.
Like, one woman I dated thought her parents were AWFUL because they ONLY gave her $50,000 as a graduation gift. And went on like this for an entire weekend, her parents are the ROOT OF ALL HER STRUGGLES because they don’t SUPPORT HER BY BUYING HER A PORSCHE SHE WANTS. And in her dumbass world, 50K wasn’t good enough, even though that easily covered a Porsche Macan.
Least to say, I never saw her again after that weekend. And she thought I was a horrible evil person who ‘used her for sex’. No, I simple wanted to get away from how horrible you were as a human being, thanks. Gets $50,000 gift, and has not a dime of gratitude about it and is enraged it’s NOT ENOUGH. I wouldn’t be surprised in she had been the one abusing her parents. Abusive children exist, but we don’t talk about that because it violates the concept that children are ‘innocent’. BTW this was a 35 year old woman with a career, not a 20 year old.
gon freecss looking at you
For smokes, or milk?
I like how Worf from Star Trek* is portrayed: a reluctant father to the end. He certainly doesn’t hate his son, Alexander, but he’s nowhere near as invested in him as a parent should be. Great example of when conception happens on accident and both parents aren’t fully on board with having the resulting kid. Even when Alexander is thrust upon him and he’s forced to be a single dad, Worf only goes through the motions. He kind of tries, but you can tell his heart isn’t in it, and he never “gets the hang of” being a father.
Worf, for all his complications, is still one of the good guys, yet it’s clearly portrayed that that alone is not sufficient qualification for him to become a good dad. Being a good parent is like being a good singer or good athlete or good mathematician: some people just don’t have it in them, and both the parent and child suffer as a result. Alexander is never straight-up abused or abandoned on a street corner, and arguably has a fantastic childhood upon the Enterprise, but he still suffers greatly from his emotionally distant father, both as a young child and as an adult.
- I’ve only seen Worf and Alexander in The Next Generation and Deep Space Nine; I don’t know if/how their relationship is portrayed later in the franchise.
i mean, compared to what frame a reference? like 2020 parenting?
he’s supposed to be an alien caught between two cultures. for all we know he’s the best Klingon dad there ever was.
Unfortunately this trope makes up about 85% of Chinese media, so its never going anywhere. Pretty much every single story with cultural value boils down to someone had daddy issues and made it everyone else’s problem.
Yeah, I basically won’t go out with Chinese Nationals, because I tried a like a dozen times and every single one of them, was so obsessed with going on about their parents, their filial duties, and being super bitter about it.
Also they were hyper-materialistic. Like Americans are bad enough with that shit, but they were next level with the obsession with it and would straight up basically say shit like ‘if you can’t afford a Lexus, etc. you should just kill yourself’ because your life is a waste if it doesn’t consist of luxury brand experiences.
It really does. My own absent father has been trying to make this trope a reality. Maybe if he made some effort to be a part of mine and my children’s lives.
Sorry dude, you’ve ignored me for 30 years, you’ve seen my kids a half dozen times, and it was always due to my effort.
My sister. ugh, the one I idolized but never met until our father died. He neglected and abused all of his four children. She has these fucking wierd rose colored glass on now that hes dead. I cant stand it, mostly because I dont get it. “in the end I know he loved us all” Did he!? Cuz he still wouldnt aknowledge my trans sister even exsisted up until he shat himself dead on the toilet, alone.
Well dads are usually more negatively perceived than the mothers. My dad beat me as a child (+ other physical abuse(irrelevant)) and is considered by people who I’ve spoken to to be a terrible person unlike my mom (because autism moms are apparently great and definitely not abusive). But I trust him was more than my mother who often manipulated us and treated me in a condescending and derogatory way.
Dads aren’t worse than moms, they are more often physically abusive which can’t be refuted and rationalized by social services and other authorities.
Physical abuse is emotional abuse
Also yes, but it isn’t the only type of abuse.
Yes, but also emotional manipulation has a much lower likelihood of putting you in the hospital. Not zero, but much lower.
Social services effectively cares about getting kids to adulthood. Physical violence is the bigger obstacle to achieving that goal.
Depends on the country maybe?
Children have the right to care, security, and a good upbringing. Children shall be treated with respect for their person and individuality and shall not be subjected to corporal punishment or other abusive treatment
is the law of parenting in Sweden
In all matters concerning children, the child’s best interests must be the primary consideration. When assessing the child’s best interests, the child’s views must be taken into account. If a decision or other measure concerns care or treatment for a child, the child’s best interests must be the deciding factor
regarding what social services are bound by law to do
Hitting your children is legal in all 50 United States.
https://legallyexplained.com/is-it-legal-to-spank-your-child-in-the-us/
My parents will never face justice for hitting my brothers and I. Abuse is legal and normalized here.
Yes, it’s insane. I know it’s legal to hit your children i other parts of Europe as well, like France. Just not “too much or too hard” because that would be assault…
Sweden abolished corporal punishment in schools 1958 and at home 1979(!)
Yeah, and that system would still favor the emotionally abusive parent over the physically abusive one. Corporal punishment is the one with a name put to it, it’ll be focused on more.
“The child’s best interest” section might name the child in that decision loop, but their opinion will still be weighted as though they’re a child and can’t make an informed decision about their care.
No, that’s not how the law works. There’s a lot of work material before the law is decided that’s used as guidance as well as predecents in courts and other material. All aspects are of equal value no matter how they’re named.
Yeah, it gives the children an opportunity to voice their own opinion and it will be given weight in any decisions made by social services. Their opinion is not just brushed off because they’re a child, it has to be taken into account.
I understand that you better understand how the law works. I’m saying that putting more red tape or better definitions on a thing isn’t going to change that direct, immediate “this can kill you right now” actions are taken more seriously in all cases than “this will fuck up your world view and might become a physical threat to you at some point” ones.
The guy who preferred his physically abusive dad over his emotionally abusive mom is going to end up going with the mom in most cases.
I hear what you are saying and I understand, but my point is the law makes no differences between abuses (in Sweden at least) and our social services exercises their power only as stipulated by the law. Therefore both kinds of abuses are equally treated.
But considering different cases:
- a child being subjected to corporal punishment at home will be handled in the same fashion as one being subjected to other abusive treatment
However
- a child coming in to the hospital beaten to pulp will probably immediately be separated from their parents, a child seeking mental care would probably not
Which is what you’re thinking of maybe?
Also with this said, child services in Sweden from time to time fucks up and return children to their abusive parents, resulting in their mistreatment and deaths. There has been at least three cases over the last few years which has shocked the population
Disagree. It’s just overused and poorly handled. If the story addresses the reasons why the child is neglected such as the father desperately trying to save his son or the future then it can make a good tragedy. Or, if the father was lost in his own work and probably shouldn’t have had his child but that work consumed him then it can be fine as long as it’s not framed as a good thing or that the child must forgive him for seemingly no reason.
The problem is media that screws this trope up and still expects you to forgive the father in the end. Oftentimes writers fail to address why the child couldn’t just join as bonding, or the father is not doing something that important, or the father is just straight up a terrible person and then the writers expect you to turn around and forgive him.
Otherwise it’s a great way to give the child character a prolific character to chase that they themselves don’t know, or create a character torn between two worlds for better and for worse, or create a deadbeat dad character that may or may not be redeemable.
I definitely feel this.
My dad felt distant and uninterested, when I was a kid. It’s only with time and experience, as a father myself, that I understand him. He wasn’t distant, he was stretched thin, exhausted. He kept the ground under me stable, and the skies above clear. All the while, his foundations were crumbling at the edges and fire rained down on us from above. He was both a shield and a foundation to me, and he never once complained about it. I rarely saw a hint of the strain he was under. I took and took, and complained when he didn’t have more.
The foundation he gave me made me stronger. As a father, the ground I can offer is more solid. The skies shielded more, all standing on the foundation he clawed together. My hope is my child doesn’t understand this till they approach adulthood either. I just need to give even more of myself into giving them the emotional support they need too. My child takes and takes, and I give happily. I fill their life with love and happiness the best I can, almost irrelevant of the cost to me.
It stretches me thin too, but that’s the job I agreed too. I can easily see how other dads can mess it up. Even from a place of love.
Sorry, I might have gotten a bit more emotional than intended.
Damn. I’m not a parent, and didn’t have the same experience with mine, but I felt the weight of your forgiveness reading this. Of your dad. Of yourself.
I suspect you’re a great parent. Just remember to put on your own oxygen mask first. (Maybe not relevant, just a hunch.)
Oh I know to look after myself. You can’t fill a cup from an empty pot. My partner sometimes forgets that though.
One plus side of being a parent. I now understand that, even though I was a little selfish shit at times, he loved me and so took the burden happily.
My minion can be demanding too, but it just makes me happy that I can make their world as good as possible. The point they understand the burden they cause, is the point they also give up childhood. I aim to put that off as long as possible. I will keep their sky blue and full of eternal sunshine for as long as I can.
And to clarify, I’m not coddling them. By the time they need to face the world, I’ll hopefully have them trained to the point the world will fear their coming!
Wonderful! Sounds like a lucky minion to me lol
It’s just overused and poorly handled.
It’s structural. Who is at the top of media organizations? Historically, it’s been men, men who work a lot and probably have nannies. They’re not interested in story lines that criticize absent fathers without absolution.
Bold of you to assume media executives read scripts. They have interns for that.
It’s also that writing complex 3-dimensional characters is hard. It’s much simpler to write a straightforward “good guy” or “bad guy” than it is a nuanced character who does some good things and some bad things all connected to core motivations that drive their reasoning.
I’m watching the Apple TV show Lucky.
She was brought up by her father, and they have a close relationship built on trust and mutual respect.
spoiler
___He started teaching her to be a thief from childhood.
spoiler
Parents and children sharing a hobby warms my heart
Gendo Ikari would never.
Joestars and Zepellis😭
